It never ceases to amaze me how the universe always seems to put in my path, a challenge with the very thing I am working on. It just seems to turn up at the right time,the timing is actually kind of uncanny.
And as always , I have a choice whether I want to take on that challenge or not. Those folks that know me- know that I think about it, weigh and measure the pros and cons and then decide.
As you know, a couple of posts back I wrote about the challenges I have working with cameras close to my face. The Tedx audition I had in December was kind of like a perfect storm that brought it all forward.
I have been working with my therapist on it and am happy to say I am moving forward and making progress. It’s at times slow and painful, but each step forward is huge. I realized in my work, that as a kid I was told to “perform” for the camera- and it wasn't good.
I have now realized that when I give my talks and presentations I don't “perform”, I am my authentic self and speak from the heart- this is so different. I have also come to realize, even when I am speaking from a script- I still speak from the heart. This has been a huge revelation and will help me with this whole process. I know in my bones I have an important message to get out there, and this WILL happen.
I have also had amazing support with my idea for the TEDx event, and have been strongly encouraged by those who are involved with it , and others, to apply again for next year. You bet I will. The application is once again next fall. The lovely coach for this event will be working with me starting in April to help strengthen my script. We get along like a house on fire, she talks my language and I am really looking forward to learning and growing.
I still wonder how I will be during the next audition, which I assume will once again be virtual. I am working on that, and then once again, the uncanny timing of the universe steps in.
I have been asked to speak to a class for North Island College here. The course is called Community Mental Health Support Worker. A few years ago I presented this program, but that was in person, this time it's all virtual.
Do you see where the universe has once again placed an opportunity in front of me.
Of course I said I would love to talk to the class, even though I know it will be a bit challenging for me, but I need to move forward with this whole camera issue and this is a great opportunity for me to start.
Whether I like it or not, virtual meetings, classrooms etc are here to stay and I have decided that I am going to push past my comfort zone and get on board. There are also some positives about the virtual world- this past December I took an e-course from a writer friend in Ireland, Barbara Smith. https://sojourningsmith.blog/author/sojourningsmith/
It was called 21 Days Journey Through Decembers Dark Days. Barbara would send a prompt every morning for us to write and reflect on and for 3 Sundays we would meet Virtually, it was lovely to see her and talk again and to meet other folks on the course. We had wonderful chats, and in a world where we stay apart to stay safe, this was like a welcome coffee shop or fireside chat. It was wonderful and food for the soul.
A month or so before that I was also a virtual guest for a Weekly Sunday discussion with John Wilmont , once again in Ireland for the Sunday sessions of the Carrowcrowy Cottage and Labyrinth Gardens. https://www.carrowcrorycottage.com/
John's Sunday sessions cover many things and are often about nature, Irish Folklore, Celtic myths, stories etc. You can see what I was interested in. I got up at 5:00 am on a Sunday morning, to be ready for 6:00 am, as they are eight hours ahead of me. It was a lovely time and I really enjoyed it.
So there are positive things about virtual connections and I want to be able to do more. So when the offer to speak to the students at the Community Mental Health Support Worker I jumped on it. I know I will be a bit nervous the first few minutes- because of the camera but it will be fine. I also know I may be talking to my therapist about it, that is also fine...its moving forward.
Another bonus to doing the tough therapy work the last couple months is that I have come to realize that I have leadership skills- in fact I have had leadership roles in the community that I didn't realize until a friend pointed them out to me the other day. Im realizing Im actually fairly bright, creative, determined, etc- once again Im sure folks who know me see this as a no brainer- but I couldn't see it- but now I can not only see it, but can embrace these and all other positive aspects of who I am and finally let them shine. This is pretty amazing.
With this realization I see I can do so much more and I have a feeling things are going to be coming down the pike and I am now at a place in my life I can partake in these. I also know I need to plan, and focus to be able to do this, which as someone with ADHD can be a really hard thing to do.
So I have decided to try some medication for my ADHD. I was on it for a while over 20 years ago when I was finally diagnosed, it made a huge difference and allowed me to focus, plan, remember, get things done etc. This is really important when one is running two daycares. When I was struggling with my trauma past etc they took me off the meds- which made sense and I never went back on them. I had too many issues and other things to sort out.
For the last 20 years I have been working hard to get my life back. It's been painful and hard and I can't get back what I lost because of what happened to me. - but I can make the best out of the time I have left.
I have thought long and hard about this,and have not made this decision lightly. I have talked to folks, talked to my Dr and 3 days ago I started medication for ADHD, and it has been remarkable. It hasn't made me a brain surgeon, but I never was. But what it has done is help me in the day to day running of life, remembering I have laundry on, what I went into the store for etc. It takes such little effort to remember and do these things- as opposed to the “Oh shit- I have to get that done”-and I would keep forgetting, and it would take so much energy to stay focused I would be exhausted.
I told a friend yesterday it’s like every synapse that was sending and receiving messages was surrounded by a very dense fog bank and only partial messages were being sent and received. It is now like the fog has lifted and messages are being passed back and forth with clarity.
I will always have challenges and bumps in the road, this wont stop it, but if I can take something to help me focus and improve on the quailty of my life why wouldnt I ?
I have two book projects on the go that I would like to get done this year. I have 6 coaching sessions coming that I would like to be able to focus and take full advantage of, I have a speaking engagement for the college. And I have a feeling there is more stuff coming down the pike.
Years ago, and I mean like 18 years ago..I had a dream that at the end of this therapy I would be able to shine and strut my stuff. In fact, in the dream I was a peacock strutting down the middle road in all its glory- yes I know it was a male peacock.
As I said I will always have challenges and bumps in the road, I get that...but now because of the work I have done and those that have supported me, I am now able to discover and take back who I am and I think its time I stepped out of the shadows and showed the world who I really am :)
Yep- it's never too late to start another chapter.